The Real Me
I sometimes wonder about the real me. I don't fully understand the nature of that "authentic" person which resides herein. I know that I have certain attitudes and predispositions for various kinds of people, certain places, and spins on things. Then there are aspects which have become abundantly clear over the ensuing years. |
Likely that I shouldn't be taking myself so seriously; inasmuch as the time that remains is so much less than the time already spent. It should be adequate to accept who I am and quit trying to evaluate and improve on those abstractions which constitute personality and motivations in favor of just sitting back and enjoying the ride at this point.
There is very little to which I look forward anymore. Much of that which is me is variation of past evolution ... and I see litle in the way of change in this for the future. However, it is said that change often comes when you're not looking for it.
Perhaps I am wrong and things will change and give me a wholly different focus. This, surprising though it would be is not what I would call unwelcome, however. A fresh perspective is something I always consider favorable in existence.
This being said, authenticity is sometimes elusive. Being real is something I've had to work on over the years. I wanted to try and grow as opposed to just "aging".
Keeping myself up has been a priority. I actually became a hygiene freak at some unknown point in the past. I'm not a "germophobe" by any stretch of the imagination but I don't allow the small stuff to get me ... like during cold and flu season I'm usually not a casualty.
I used to say "yes" to others in the work place to a fault. This resulted in predatory college administrators preying on me in an effort to have me do their bidding; regardless of how unreasonable the tasking was. Nowadays I at least check out the feasibility prior to going out on a limb. I don't like to enter into any agreement lightly anymore. This was another lengthy cultivation experience borne of necessity and experience with the preying moron educator.
Not following the crowd ... not doing things just because "everyone was doing it" came easily enough. Keeping agreements was sometimes challenging and problematic ... but I finally got there after several spates of people giving me a dose of that medicine on various projects.
Finally, I try to be an example and set a decent standard and demonstrate it as often as I can. If "what goes around comes around" one should be quite willing to practice those precepts they preach to others.
About the only thing which is derrogotory within me might be holding grudges. I have been known to remain angry over various things for too long many times. It's not something I'm particularly proud of — but something with which I contend as a facet of who I sometimes am. If you rile me to a sufficient degree we might never be on good terms again. I can't explain it either. But like the fine print in the yellow box above says I neither look for, nor run from trouble.
So there you have it. The crux of my "authentic self" surfacing yet again. You can catch glimpses of the "real Dave" periodically when you least expect it. Some of my antics have been the stuff of legend but all in all I'm a lot cooler headed and calmer than I ever was in my 20s.