Social Anxiety and Me

Loosely, the words 'social anxiety' refers to being nervous in social situations.

This spectrum includes anxiety to the point of angst, disturbances of mood, eating disorders, substance abuse, and most commonly a shyness beyond the constraints of personal growth and awkwardness.

Shyness may manifest itself in conjunction with low self esteem and that social phobia which happens is the crux of 'social anxiety' itself.

I exhibited a diffidence through young adulthood which imparted a modesty and lack of self confidence born primarily as the result of always being the fat new kid ....

Then puberty hit and I became 'the fat new kid with acne'.

Those consequences were profound from a standpoint of psychosocial relevance and my quirks which remain to this day are likely secondary to my experiential world inventory which was dismal and unrelenting.
 

In the military I was an accomplished pugilist and engaged in all manner of hostilities for recreation and profit.

It all was a release I had never known prior to that time and I figure that hostility which was the result of a public education with other peoples scumbag children were the root of that evil.

I spent my young adulthood diverting my gaze and avoiding facial expressions which might be questioned by others.

Having a vocablulary second to none my conversation skills were always superior but my inability to look others in the eye was problematic at all levels.

Those who never suffered the painful shyness I cultivated slowly over the years cannot fathom the panic and terror social situations might impose.

I was 28 before I entered my first "real" relationship with someone who treated me as though I were a worthwhile human being and she and I were happy through her death in the early 1980s from ovarian cancer.

Not really being good relationship material I decided I wouldn't be seriously pursuing anything in domestic partnership as a matter of personal preference.

So that just goes to show you that "nature" or "nurture" matters much less than who you become as the result of interpersonal relations with others in those spheres in which you exist — for whatever reasons or environments you encounter.

I am still here while so many of my detractors and torturers are now dead, in prison, or otherwise extant in that vaccuous void between their ears.

My consequences likewise are severe. PTSD, suppressed fits of rage, a constant need to keep myself in check, a pursuit of perfection beyond my grasp, and chipped teeth from a jaw which has clenched WAY too many times. I am no ordinary man.