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There was a time when I was a risk taker. A swashbuckler confident in myself and my abilities to the point that I would undertake anything, anytime, anywhere.

I would engage others at any level I chose unrepentent for those I hurt. I lived in the now and the past and the future were of little consequence in that paycheck to paycheck existence that was me.

However, the 40s hit me hard.

I came to realize much of the error which were my ways and I sought to make amends as best I could. Some relationships were to remain. Others were to depart. All I could do was accept that which I was and allow that diffuse distain I earned to remain despite my efforts to the contrary.

Through all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" a resounding theme predominated my recovery. It wasn't religion. It wasn't the pursuit of lofty goals. It wasn't even my failures nor my successes.

I simply wanted my existence to include some modicum of respect for what I could do. So I started doing things I had never embarked upon before. Things like participation. Repayment. Focus on the aspects of business I used to laugh off.

So I tried to get closer to my folks. I tried to repay my dad for helping me fix up the incredible mess my house became due to my entrusting a "friend" ... and I applied myself to that coding which would see me though the hard times. After all, a paycheck may not be everything in life but it sure smooths the rough edges if it's sufficient to meet the bills.

So now I'm old. I went through all the phases of life with wild abandon until late in the game. I made a passel of mistakes and corrected as many as I could along the way leaving those unresolved issues to confront me as they will. I'm satisfied that I was able to move on and improve and that's about all I could really ask for in this lifetime.
 

Yesterday When I Was Young

Yesterday when I was young,
The taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue,
I teased at life as if it were a foolish game,
The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame;
The thousand dreams I dreamed,
The splendid things I planned
I always built, alas,
On weak and shifting sand;
I lived by night and shunned the naked light of day
And only now I see how the years ran away

Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wayward pleasures lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see,

I ran so fast that time and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think what life was all about
And every conversation I can now recall concerned itself with me
And nothing else at all

Yesterday the moon was blue,
And every crazy day brought something new to do,
I used my magic age as if it were a wand,
And never saw the waste and emptiness beyond;
The game of love I played with arrogance and pride
And every flame I lit too quickly, quickly died;
The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away
And only I am left on stage to end the play
There are so many songs in me that won't be sung,
I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue,
The time has come for me to pay for Yesterday
When I was Young

Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wayward pleasures lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see,

I ran so fast that time and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think what life was all about
And every conversation I can now recall concerned itself with me
And nothing else at all

written by Herbert Kretzmer & Charles Aznavour
published by T.R.O. Inc. ©